Effective Coping Skills for When You Want to Beat the Tar Out of Someone

We all have those times in our lives; yep, yeah, we do. Now I do not refer here to those funny, embarrassing times, like farting in yoga class. No, I am talking about the times that stress has been SO cumulative for SO long that you literally want to beat the tar out of someone. Now. Anyone would do–the hag in front of you at the store, clacking her gum oh so annoyingly; the jackass driver who pulls out in front of you, then slows waaayyyyy down. At times like this, your regular tool box of “coping skills” (stress management techniques–I just like the term “coping skills” because it makes me laugh) begins to just not cut it anymore. Or maybe some of those most favorite tools, such as soothing walks in nature, aren’t available because the ground is wearing a glittery coat of snow and ice whilst the air is butt cold.

So how do you refrain from beating the tar out of someone when the high stress levels have been present for many moons and appear to not be receding? Take it from one who has been there–the following goodies work!

1. Manage stress biologically. Extreme stress for high periods wreaks total havoc on bodies. All kinds of systems get out of whack, making it hard to sleep, causing poo poo problems, upset tummies…you name it. There are health care practitioners, such as naturopaths and chiropractors, who have tools available to diagnose your biochemical state. They can then suggest natural supplements to promote a balanced and happier self. If you can’t afford or don’t want a more organic route to feeling better, consult your medical doctor. There is nothing wrong with taking prescription antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. These can just have more side effects, which can then cause different stress. And don’t forget acupuncture, reiki and massage….they are major miracle workers. On a budget? Check for deals on Groupon and Living Social. Ask the therapist if they offer 30 minute sessions. See if community acupuncture is available. Indy just got its first community poke clinic–we are so blessed! www.indyacu.com/IDCA

2. Avoid what I call “sh*t rolls downhill” thinking. Here’s an example: yet one more thing happens that really makes you frustrated and hacked off. Nothing lately has gone the way you think you need for it to go, and NOW THIS! GRRRRR! HISSSS! And the negative thoughts are off to the races! In your head, you crankily outline everything that has gone wrong, feel even crabbier, then become convinced that everything IS going to continue to go wrong. Woe. Is. Indeed. You. The antidote–realize you are indulging in some good ol’ SRD thinking, then choose to stop. Consider all that has gone well lately. Begin to list what is making you happy in your life. Remember that energy goes where attention flows. If you want to feel calm, it will take some calming thoughts.

3. Get extra fun time. Make it a priority. Call those peeps and get to peeping with them! Even if you are pissy, you will feel better when you are surrounded by caring loved ones. And notice I mentioned “extra” fun time–during rough times, we do need more. Ditto for extra sleep and extra good nutrition, with a cookie or two thrown in for good measure.

4.This, too, shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Remind yourself of the tough times you have survived and employ what you did then to help yourself.

5. Beat the tar out of something. I find beating the bed with a tennis racket and  kicking my bean bag chair provides a most refreshing release of energy, allowing me to feel relaxed and civil. Please ensure there are no napping kitties  snuggily enfolded in the sheets before you wack the bed.

6. When you are in the throes of a particularly challenging time, you really long for it to stop. You try this, you try that, and sometimes nothing seems to help much. All seems stuck, or out of your control.  At this point, remember the concept of Divine Timing. To me this means that the Universe knows what It is up to. I trust that whatever is going on serves my soul’s growth. Wish my soul didn’t have to grow so dang much sometimes-LOL!-but I know from experience that I will be just fine despite the current circumstances.

7. Cry. Play sad music, watch a tear jerking movie, whatever it takes. Crying releases all that pain and frustration. Then go play.

And there ya have it. Sometimes life is like a menu item at a Chinese restaurant–it’s a Poo Poo Platter. HA! But it does get better. What other things can you add to the list above? Please share–inquiring minds want to know!

Today we shall learn how to find a reputable intuitive and/or medium. There are some real scam artists out there, and it behooves you to learn how to spot them.

The easiest way to spot a scammer is to simply follow the old adage which is the title of this post–if it looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t, then it is sh*t. In other words, first and foremost, trust what your gut is telling you about the person who you are considering doing business with. The one time a scammer ever read for me, I had a strong feeling that this dude was full of it–and I wasn’t doing readings at the time myself. Allow your gut to be the end decision maker on this one.

If possible, get a referral from a friend. What to do if you lack psychic pals? Call the intuitive you are considering working with, and ask them about their process. Can you ask questions? How long does the reading last? Do they talk to spirits? Will they tell you when you are going to die? Are they right all the time? In my opinion, someone who will tell you the date of your death or someone else’s is just plain old unethical. What good could come of that information? All you will do is fret and worry about it. I heard of a lady who received a reading at a party, and the psychic told her that her daughter would die soon. The woman was devastated. Isn’t that horrible? I felt so badly for the poor soul. Anyone who tells you they are right all the time is so full of sh*t that I guarantee their eyes will soon turn brown, if they aren’t already.

Some other questions to ask and points to consider: Beware a purveyor of crystals, candles, etc. which claim to repel or eliminate evil spirits. Yes, crystals do help energetically. I use them myself. But if the person says that ONLY their product will do this, or that ONLY they can get rid of evil energy, then you had best run as if the Hounds of Hell were lapping hard at your ankles.

Does the psychic believe that everyone has intuitive abilities? We all do–trust me, we all do. A psychic who thinks that she/he is “extra special” because of their abilities is probably on a massive power trip. Most likely they are using the abilities to gain a sense of control over others, not to empower others with a sense of control. Avoid such a windbag, ok?

Another swell option is to visit a local New Agey type store; they typically employ only experienced, knowledgeable psychics. In the Indianapolis area, we have one aptly named New Age People which provides excellent readings on a walk-in basis. Then, of course, you can always call me. Shameless self-promotion, I know, but it is my blog. I have been reading energy since 2002 and began it as a part of my life’s work in 2005. As a former psychiatric social worker, I have the education which enables me to impart information in a helpful and empowering way. Plus, my spirit guides are sometimes a HOOT! It can be really fun and life changing. 317-440-8783. Bon voyage to you in your psychic endeavors!

Does this sound like a movie title to some extraordinarily crappy Jim Carey movie or what? But it is true. I wanna be like Bob.

The Bob I wanna be like is Bob Landman, the gentle, funny soul who opened the Good Earth health food store in Broad Ripple back in the 70′s. The Good Earth is a local Indianapolis institution–it is like shopping for good eats and supplements in some family’s cozy house with the family working there. My expeditions to Good Earth began in the mid 90′s. I was just learning about how to better care for my health, and back then, we didn’t have Whole Foods and some of the other stores to fart around in. So I began farting around there, always amused by fellow shoppers and the employees. You never know who you are going to see there–it is a real mix of folks. Babies, geezers, smelly hippies, total wackjobs, lovely individuals…sky is the limit.

But amid all the eclectic shoppers and bizarre sounding supplements (Horny Goat Weed–really? like goats need help to get horny?), Bob’s energy was easily apparent and stood out. He had what I call “good energy”, meaning it just felt good to be in the area where he was–he felt very vibrant. And the dude apparently adhered to the sage advice offered by Cowboy Bob: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” He typically was quite smiley, had a kind word, and loved to chat. Now his employees were not bunch of crabby appletons either, not at all, but Bob just seemed to have an energy unlike that of many people. He was one of a kind.

Being psychic, it is common for me to know when people will die. One dreary, poopy November morning, I received the info that someone I knew would be dying unexpectedly, someone young, and that it would have quite an effect on me. I was concerned it would be one of my nieces or nephew–I didn’t ask who because I didn’t want to know. Two weeks passed, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had obviously been chock full of turds….no one had died.  One morning a day or so later, my husband somberly descended the stairs, with a sour look on his gorgeous piehole. When he reached the landing, he asked me if I had heard the day before that Bob Landman had died unexpectedly of a heart attack, at only age 61. I burst into tears–how could someone as positive and seemingly healthy have died? It. Just. Sucked.

To this day, I adore the Good Earth and its staff, but every time I walk in the door, it still hits me that I miss Bob. Tributes to him and his photos hang in many nooks and crannies of the store…..so you still see him, in a way. But it isn’t the same.

When I was there last week, I decided I want to be like Bob: be such a purveyor of good energy and just all around good stuff that people are profoundly touched by it in a simple, yet powerful, way. To my knowledge, Bob never gave millions to the poor or committed any other act that people typically associate as so tremendous and memorable that it would get you a spot on Time magazine’s cover. What he did do was just be Bob and not be shy about it….he let his love, enthusiasm, and “good energy” just all hang out for the world to soak up. That was such a huge gift to everyone who met him. I hope I can do the same.

Vogue, Elle, More, all you fashion magazines….go suck a lemon

I had the distinct pleasure of talking with the Indianapolis Star style reporter Jenny Elig last week about how to wear cropped pants. When I recapped our conversation in my head, I was appalled by what had come out of my mouth.

Jenny had some very useful questions which would help her readers learn how to wear the aforementioned cropped pants. In all my responses practically, I made some reference to “well, it will make you look fat.” Or shorter. Or wider. Or some other adjective which we don’t associate with the figure of your typical Barbie doll or Victoria’s Secret model.  Yes, I can tell you all the rules and do’s and don’t's. I have read a bevy of books, memorized the secrets to looking 10 pounds thinner, scour the fashion magazines routinely….and a lot of it makes me want to yak. Why? Because it shouldn’t matter how fat, thin, tall, or hipless a woman is. This is what matters…

the joy of her smile, the size of her heart, how she takes the love she has for herself and shares it with others…..who she is and how she chooses to express that with her wardrobe–these things matter. Her good health and her happiness…..this counts. The size of her butt doesn’t.

Unfortunately, we chicks receive a very opposite message from what I just wrote in the paragraph above. So many of us struggle with eating disorders, shame at being nude with our partner, unable to enjoy a luscious summer day at the beach without feeling self-conscious about our cellulite, or savoring a piece of warm homemade pie without worrying about what the scale will say tomorrow. We are bombarded with messages about the value of looking young and thin, both from the media and from people we know. It is all such a crock that can cause a woman to bypass what really matters more than anything–enjoying life and helping others to enjoy it too.

I always tell my clients that what matters most is to wear what makes you happy–just make sure it fits. Usually they want to hear all the rules and yada, yada…but I make sure I share this in between all that. You can follow rules all you want, but if they don’t express you and get you all bubbly and giddy, then you have totally missed the boat when it comes to image consulting, in my book.

So in response to how to wear cropped pants, my answer now is this: any ol’ way you want to! Get your happy goin’ in them, swing your booty with pride in who you are, and enjoy!

OMG, that is such a pressing question. The possibilities for discussion are endless! Pffftttt.....

Now on the other hand, a question that really does pose endless discussion even without the assistance of alcoholic beverages is this--does the concept of a predetermined "fate" really exist, or is everything just free will? Cue in the song, "Things that Make Ya Go Hmmmmm...", right?

My darling spousal unit and I are members of an interfaith discussion group, and this topic presented itself at our meeting last week. I have since then scratched my head (and no, not because I have fleas) and pondered this one, brow and mouth scrunched up like the dog just ripped a stinker. Being a psychic and Nicheren Buddhist, I do believe VERY strongly and know for sure that we do indeed have a bevy of free will--our belief systems, personal choices, ability to get our fat asses off the couch and engage in life all make a huge difference in what happens in our daily existence. For example, my grandpa was in bad health a few years ago. Every morning, I tuned in to his energy to see what his will to live was, when he was going to die, what time, etc. One day, he would be ready to take the permanent dirt nap. Next day, he had more energy and zest, no intention whatsoever of passing over. He kept changing his mind and didn't leave until he was damn well in the mood. Plenty of free will at work there,right?

But let us use me and the aforementioned darling spousal unit, Jim, as an example of  arguing perhaps predetermined fate does exist. Myriad decisions on both my part and his, plus his ex-wife's, resulted in our meeting and marriage. Back in the early 90's, the ex decided to attend law school in Indy. Then they decided to stay in Indy rather than return to Valparaiso. Divorce ensued in the late 90's, with Jim deciding to move into the Marrot apartments. My friend Steph had decided to work there, and being the raving matchmaker she was back in the day, she told me about him and vicey versa.  Me--I had decided to adopt my dog Kubi back in the early 90's which resulted with me not becoming a flight attendant and leaving Indy. In 1994, I just couldn't get myself to leave Kubi in the states so I could move to Prague and teach English. Wanting to move to Washington for grad school, I decided to stay in Indy so it would be cheaper. In 1999, Steph kept telling me about how wonderfully funny Jim was, but I just would have nothing to do with an attorney. I thought he would be an anal retentive Virgo with a compulsive hand washing obsession and determined I wouldn't be swapping spit or knocking knickers with this guy. That is, until I sat by his funny, beautifully nosed self on the evening of January 28, 2000 at a party, and the rest is history. I changed my mind REAL FAST about him, asked him out, 5 months later had an engagement ring, and married him 13 months later.  See how many decisions, twists and turns of fate, brought us together? Just one different decision somewhere along that path would have resulted in us never meeting. So........hmmmmmmm.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts....don't be shy. Inquiring minds want to know!

Ahhh, yes. The Sleestacks, those hissing  purveyors of death and destruction, plodding along slower than molasses in January,  on that old tv show from the 70's called Land of the Lost. (I bet their breath smelled like doo doo....I see a spot in a Scope commercial for them these days.) At the age of 8, I was convinced they were lurking behind the daintily flowered shower curtain in my great aunt Frances's bathtub. Why did I think this? Beats the crap out of me now. I remember being freaked out by the long, skinny shape of her bathroom. Why this would attract Sleestacks to await me in her bathtub is beyond me, but that is what I thought. I would, of course, never pull back the shower curtain to see if they were there as I used the toilet. I just waited until my bladder was ready to explode and prayed like the devill that a long, slimy, booger green paw didn't snake out from the bathtub and yank me in, slap me between two pieces of pumpernickel, and inhale my little fanny.

Fast forward to 2011, and recently I discovered that my train of thinking was still similar to that of my 8 year old self when confronted with the massive changes facing me in all areas of my life. No, no, no.....I no longer fret that Sleestacks will eat me as their light evening repast. I had now progressed into silly adult fears...perhaps not so silly, but fears nonetheless. Some of these upcoming changes I want; some I don't and have no control over. No matter how you slice it and dice it, they are mammoth changes. Just like it was awful to be so scared to use the bathroom when you have a bladder the size of a pea, it was awful to be so scared of the future. I was losing quite a bit of sleep, wondering how it will all turn out, am I doing the "right" thing, blah, blah, blah.....

I adore reading spiritual types of books and blogs, and over the years I have learned that there are only two basic emotions: love and fear. I realized that I was choosing to live in fear, choosing to yank my hair out about all these decisions to be made, stew and fret to the point of having the world's stiffest neck about the things I can't control. I then realized also that I could just trust that Spirit will help me take care of it all...I am not alone. My life has always worked out in miraculous ways; I am a true believer in miracles and Divine Order. I always come out smelling like a rose when all is said and done. Some of these beneficial outcomes are due to my own actions, then others....well, they just fell into place without me having to do really anything at all but just show up for life.

Being human, I am still nervous about things. But just as I now know that Sleestacks never lived in my aunt's crapper,  I also know and believe my current situation will all work out for the best.

And it isn't the F-Bomb.Now, I know your mumsy and mine would both beg to differ. My mom tried to prevent me from uttering the word "fart" when I was a scrappy teenager, so you bet your bippy the F-Bomb isn't ranking high on her list of words. In my opinion, though, the all-time most foul word in the English language is the word "should."


How on earth can such an innocuous little grouping of 6 letters be so gnarly? In my experience as a coach and  psychic, this one word gets my clients into more trouble than anything else. They "should" and do stick in relationships that make them utterly beyond miserable and have for years, they "should" and do get a real job rather than follow their lovely entreprenuerial spirits, they "should" and do tolerate their father's verbal abuse because he is their father, after all......the list of "shoulds" that prevent clients from developing to their full potential and loving life is endless. It makes me so sad for them.

On the other hand, there are  certain times that we certainly should engage in actions we are not so fond of. All is not lost for our little pal "should" here. I ingest raw kale since it is so nourishing for vegetarians in particular, and I know I should. My darling body reaps major benefits from that bitter veggie. I chose to continue my social work career even though I despised it, just until I had paid off some debt because I felt I should. As soon as the debt was gone, I hightailed it out of social work. My benefit was being able to start my business free of credit card debt. Yee haw! I drive my ancient, doddering Toyota nicknamed "Grandma" because she runs just fine, is paid off, and I should continue to drive her while I build my business and pay off student loans. The benefit of keeping this car which rides more like a freakin' John Deer riding mower  is that I can send massive amounts of $$ to my student loan provider. Hot dawg!

Have you noticed that there needs to be a major benefit to YOU if you are tolerating "shoulds" in your life? In the examples from my life, I haven't done anything which compromises my happiness too terribly much in order to attain goals that I  really, really want. (Except social work, but I had a major plan of attack on how to keep my sanity during that experience--regular massage, reiki, funny movies, etc.) But getting an 8 to 5 social work job like my dad probably thinks I should, but which would make me miserable.....naaaahhhhhh. They will be serving ice cold chardonnay in Hell before that would happen. The benefit of a regular paycheck would never compensate for that kind of complete, abject misery.

So what to do if you discover you are living under the "tyranny of should", minus any benefit to you? I recommend a book by Dr. David D. Burns, MD entitled Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Chapter 4 is about building self-esteem and is chock full of great tricks and exercises designed to help readers overcome the need for the approval of others. After all, what is it you are after when you allow others to dictate your life? Their approval--you are afraid of yanking their chain and being considered bad or worthless. 

Remember, every soul comes into this life to fulfill his or her unique purpose and learn specific lessons. When you allow "shoulds" to make you miserable, you aren't fulfilling your purpose and potential. I hope this helps you evaluate your life and hop on making some changes to get you happier. 

My husband Jim and I have an extraordinary marriage. After knowing each other for 11 years and married for 10, we  still find each other to be attractive. Ya know why? Well, I ditched my dumpster diving pants, along with the attitude that accompanied them.

What the hell are dumpster diving pants? Why the balls would someone with a master's degree in social work dive in dumpsters? For God sakes, she probably has enough vittles, you may think. Yes, I do have enough vittles. But at one time, I allowed myself to traipse gaily about the apartment clothed in items appropriate for the dubious pastime  of digging in dumpsters. We are the doting parents to one Miss Daisy Dimitri, a wee purveyor of canine fabulosity. Like all dogs, Daisy  is a freaking slob when she enjoys her daily constitutional, kicking dirt with gusto right at me after she takes a dump. Why dress nicely for the dog's crap and kick fest? Why not just look like a slob already so it doesn't matter what Miss Who Flung Dung might send my way?Indeed, why not?

Because  Jim stared at my soiled and stained exercise pants one day as I was unleashing Daisy, snickered, and declared, "Nice dumpster diving pants. You really look like you just crawled out of a dumpster." Oh. Wow.

It is important to both of us that we at least make some routine effort to appear attractively dressed for each other. Hearing my husband state that I was appropriately garbed for trash digging made me really stop and think about what I was wearing around the crib. I realized that even though I was just going for a turd excursion with the dog, I could at least wear black pants which wouldn't show stains. Maybe my t-shirt didn't have to look like a Goodwill reject. Maybe I would feel more attractive too if I didn't look like an inner city wino with a sharp haircut. So my dumpster diving duds went into the trash pronto, and I started wearing more presentable get ups around the house. I just didn't want my husband to think of "wife" and "dumpster diving" in the same sentence ever again.

Now I know we all have way more vital, important activities to take up our time other than just ponder how to keep our partner thinking we look like a hotty patotty. Feeding the kids, turning the stove off before we leave so we don't incinerate the whole abode, et. al., really rank up there as the big cheese. But staying sexually connected to yourself and your partner needs to take up at least some space in your noogin on a regular basis....otherwise, you just have yourself a roommate. Playing mattress monkeys is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and your partner. It connects you and keeps your relationship fun. As adults, we have so much responsibility. Having sex is one of the best perks of adulthood and a fantastic stress reliever--why not give it some time and enjoy it?

McDonald's says you deserve a break today. I say you deserve a good shag today. Why don't you put on something sexy for your partner and indulge?

Ya Gotta Park that Arse and Shut that Cakehole!!

“I wish I could do what you can do.”    ” You are so lucky to be so intuitive.”

These are remarks I hear over and over again. Now, I want you to know, angels did not swoop down at my birth, wings just a’flappin’ to beat the band, and gently sprinkle me in some sort of angelic fairy dust that enabled me to have super human powers. I just can guarantee that I do one thing very, very differently than you—I routinely park my arse and shut my cakehole. You know why? Because you MUST get quiet and stay that way if you are ever going to harness the power of your intuition. It is that simple–and that complicated.  Simple because it is free–solitude doesn’t empty your pocket of a even a penny, unless you are skipping off to a high falutin’ retreat. Simple because it is easy, sorta—be alone and be quiet. How hard is that? In our culture, it is like they say in the tiny farm community where I was birthed and raised, “it is like trying to pull hen’s teeth.” Pretty much impossible. So it seems.

Blackberries, iPhone apps out our wazoos, texting, Twitter…..the list of technological advances designed to improve the quality of our lives can dramatically reduce it if we aren’t careful. We are encouraged to be connected, know what is going on with our blue million Facebook friends at all times, do this, do that….our choices of things to do, people to see, information to learn is now mind boggling. Solitude…what is that anymore? I am the only one I know who doesn’t text at all, I don’t talk on the phone when I drive, and I actually shut it off at times. I ALWAYS take time to head out into nature, smell the breeze, revel in the sun, touch the glorious flowers….and just reconnect to myself and Spirit. Without this, I get stuck in my head. My intuition heads to the backburner, only to come out and play when beckoned.

So how do you carve out the time in our Indy 500 paced world to park your arse and shut your cakehole? Set boundaries and schedule it. Tell the ones you live with that you are doing this and wave good bye. Delegate responsibilities to others so you can have this time. When a friend calls and wants you to go play, say no. You have a very special date scheduled with yourself, nature, and Spirit. Then just enjoy.

 

At an Alpha Chicks lunch last month, someone suggested that I write a blog about the meaning of life. Wow. What a lofty topic! Where does one begin? I am a rather light hearted soul, not prone to passing time pondering philosophy or profound mysteries (like why do hairdressers still give people mullets—LOL!) My brief exposure to a philosophy class in college resulted in a massive headache and a dropped class. I just couldn’t find the right answer to the question, “If you planted a chair and it sprouted, would it be a chair or would it be wood?” Who cares?

 

So after some head scratching and brow scrunching, I decided the meaning of life is this: love. I do believe the Beatles had it right when they sang that all we need is love. Think about it—love heals, cures, and just generally makes us feel all tingly and jolly. It is one of our finest teachers of lessons in this life. Anyone who has ever loved and lost can attest to that. I have learned some of my toughest and just downright most ouchey lessons when I didn’t marry the man I thought I would. Witnessing the passing of my grandparents has been excruciating. Through it all, I found I was one strong little biddy and that I could open myself to more love when I needed help. And that I could give it in return. What a blessing.

 

How can you add more love into the world today? However you choose to do it,  please don’t forgive to heap it upon yourself. If we don’t love and care for ourselves first, it is really difficult to love and care for others in a healthy way. Happy loving to you!!